FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
MORALITY PILL APPROVED FOR CONSUMER SALES
[ATLANTA, GA, January 5, 2030] AI-driven pharmaceutical giant Mold Inc. has announced that Do-Rite©, its controversial “morality pill,” has been approved by the FDA for OTC sales. Mold CEO Duke Duka hails the action as “a massive step toward a world governed by peace and justice rather than hostility and cruelty.” Formerly, the drug was only available with a prescription from a qualified healthcare or spiritual professional.
The drug, taken in pill form daily, rewires the brain to conform to a predetermined protocol of ethical behaviors, completely eliminating the desire to behave otherwise. Specific ethical behaviors vary depending on the formulation, but typically include such things as murder, rape, theft, lying, cheating, overeating, and being mean. Proprietary generative AI methodologies enabled Mold to identify and refine formulations with unprecedented speed.
Do-Rite will hit the retail shelves in several formulations, including Jewish, Christian, Islamic, Agnostic, Stoic, Epicurean, Woke, and Wiccan. “Consumer demand is all over the board,” says Mold CMO Ashley Purloin, “We see endless opportunities for further market segmentation down the road. This spells robust growth in sales, market penetration, and stock value over the next 5 to 10 years.”
But even within belief groups, Do-Rite has stirred up major disagreements. Progressive Bishop Milton Muchmore, a member of the United States Council of Catholic Bishops (USCCB) believes the drug will deepen the faith of churchgoers and attract new ones: “Lots of people shy away from our church because they hate going to confession. With Do-Rite, there’s no need to go! In light of that, I foresee much greater Mass attendance in 2030.” Holding a much different position is prominent conservative Catholic theologian Rev. Giuseppe Novella, who recently wrote, “Do-Rite essentially robs individuals of their freedom to choose; doing the right thing without the right motivation, or indeed any motivation at all, is not virtuous and does not bring souls closer to Christ or to Heaven.”
Mold executives and U.S. lawmakers believe these spiritual squabbles will sort themselves out by letting the free market do its work, strong new legislation, or some combination of both. In the meantime, civic leaders are looking forward to a rapid decline in violent crime rates. “Ja, we knew we were on to something in the clinical trials,” says Mold VP of Research and Development, Hans Offman, “When inmates at Bulimia River Correctional, a men’s maximum-security facility, demanded to have the Hallmark Channel play in the prison lounge 24/7.” The moral transformation at the prison has been long-lasting, reports Warden Edward Mistletoe. “We used to have the most gruesome stabbings imaginable almost every day. Now, inmates just TP each other’s cells.”
A few prominent political leaders on both sides of the aisle have expressed concern, however. According to DNC Chair Rosetta Stone, “We’re going to have a lot of trouble recruiting candidates if everybody starts taking this morality pill.” Former Republican Senator Millicent Sombrero worries, “As crime disappears, so will law enforcement — and there goes our base.”
Most users of prescription Do-Rite report excellent results. Typical is the feedback from Philadelphia native Daniel Sullivan O’Leary, who started with the Orthodox Jewish formulation. “Ah, at first it was grand! All the walking on Saturday helped me get my steps in, easy as you please. But, oy vey, the no-pork thing was a bloody pox, so the doctor cut down me dosage to Reform, and now I can’t kvetch at all.”
Users of Do-Rite should stay alert, as the drug does have potential side-effects, including headaches, sneezing, congestion, constipation, and dissociative identity disorder (formerly known as multiple personality disorder). Offman warns, “Ja, if you wake up with a runny nose or gunpowder residue on your hands you can’t account for, give your primary healthcare provider a call.”
Despite potential side-effects, Purloin remains exuberantly optimistic: “Mold’s renowned R&D team is working around the clock to develop treatments for each of the 37 identified side-effects of Do-Rite, and we expect all of them to hit the market in plenty of time for our three-minute 2031 Super Bowl ad.”
Mold Inc. stock was up 7 percent on the announcement. Casino stocks were down heavily across the board.
ABOUT MOLD INC.
Mold Incorporated (NYSE:MOLDY), headquartered in Atlanta, GA, was founded in 1953. Originally a manufacturer of industrial cleaning products, the company has been focused on AI-driven pharmaceutical research and manufacturing under the leadership of current CEO Duke Duka. With a mission to make more drugs for more people for more profits, Mold has approximately 2,200 employees and serves the U.S. market. 2029 sales were $277,000,000.
