HANNIBAL MEETS DUMBO
The conquest of Rome was serious work,
Especially with the elephants going berserk.
His soldiers were sick of the dung and the Alps,
And freezing their spears off from sandals to scalp.
He told them, “Don’t worry, success will be ours,
“We’ll sit in the senate smoking big fat cigars.”
But despite the general’s tactical brilliance,
The Romans responded with remarkable resilience.
Whenever the general set out to attack,
The soldiers of Rome refused to fight back.
Even when he finally crushed them at Cannae,
They raised new legions the very next day.
Finally the invaders ran short on supplies,
So the general concocted one last-ditch surprise.
“Men, on with your overalls! Ready your wrenches!
“We shall slip into Rome and rewire their defenses
“By giving each Roman a new TV set,
“Streaming service and high-speed Internet.”
Trading in their elephants for service vans,
They rolled into town
With some truly eye-popping cable plans.
They went door-to-door and made every sale,
Even making a profit thanks to economies of scale.
The legionaries hung up their swords and their shields,
Plunked down on the couch and watched W. C. Fields.
Soon every last Roman was watching TV,
And giving poor Dumbo their utmost sympathy.
With innumerable channels and movies galore,
Rome quickly forgot the brutalities of war.
Fully engrossed in The Caine Mutiny,
Carthaginian infiltration escaped scrutiny.
The general packed the senate with his men
While the Romans sat watching The Pink Panther Strikes Again.
Transfixed on a veritable volcano of video,
Rome failed to notice the loss of bold Scipio.
The general had quietly disposed of that pest,
And others among the best of their best.
And just like that, Rome had a new boss,
But Rome had more interest in Glengarry Glen Ross.
So months before their cable contracts auto-renewed,
The Romans were reduced to abject servitude.
Alas, Rome’s children no longer could frolic,
Having mostly been baked into little Eggs McMoloch.
And while their city was pillaged and citizens slain,
The few who were left watched Citizen Kane
(Or Singin’ in the Rain).
Yes, even though their bells kept tolling,
The citizens-turned-slaves kept the classic films rolling.
A general’s work, he thought, never ceases,
As he sat at his desk approving home video releases.
Then in burst a man with murderous intent,
And shoved the general to the back of the tent.
He gasped, “What are you doing, here, Scipio?
“I thought they wrote you out of the show.”
“Yeah, but subscriptions were starting to erode,
“So the producers produced a new episode.
“Now we’re heading to Carthage and you’ve got no chance,
“We’re packing quantum-dot TVs and Sponge Bob Square Pants. “
