The definitions of love are too numerous to count. Here is one that I find incredibly powerful:
“To love is to will the good of another.” — St. Thomas Aquinas
Simple on the surface but rich with meaning, it’s hard to think of a definition of love more needed today.
Often we think of love as an emotion. But emotions are fickle. Emotions are feelings and change with the wind. If we think of love as an emotion, then our love will be ever changing and we will not be able to control when and in what way it changes.
On the other hand, if we realize that love is something we will, then love comes under our control. We choose to love; we choose to do what is good for the other. Surface emotions change with the wind, but by anchoring our love in the willing of the good of the other, we are able to consistently and persistently love others regardless of whether they are irritating or even injuring us at a given moment.
Of course, in order for the formula of St. Thomas to work, we have to have some notion of what “the good” is. Parents have an intuitive sense of what is good for their children, and act accordingly in a spirit of true love. If we think of our interactions with others who are not our children in this way, we can make a rough determination of whether or not we have been willing their good. For example, do I communicate with others on Twitter as if I were communicating with my son or daughter? Did I handle that recent business transaction as if I’d been dealing with my son or daughter? Did I treat that store clerk as I would have treated my son or daughter who made a mistake? Would I have turned my back on my son or daughter as I did with that person who slighted me?
Beyond this, if we want to love in the fullest possible way, we can expand and deepen our understanding of “the good.” The example and teachings of Jesus are the place to start, for even those who doubt or deny his divinity recognize his profound moral wisdom. The works of St. Thomas and St. Augustine are tremendously illuminating as well. For a concentrated focus on morals, I can recommend St. Alphonsus Liguori. There are many others.
The necessity of putting effort into learning about the good highlights the superficiality of love as defined simply as an emotion. Thinking of love as an emotion makes us lazy about love: if our emotions wane, we are just as likely to disconnect from a loving relationship as put effort into maintaining it.
St. Thomas makes it clear that love is not all about me, but rather that it is all about you. Loving as a pure sacrifice, as a giving of something with no expectation of getting something in return, is an attitude sorely lacking in many of our relationships, if we really stop to think about it. To the extent we think of love selfishly, we really aren’t loving at all, and whether we admit this is the case or not, the fruits of such relationships usually speak for themselves.
On the other hand, a love that wills the good of the other is a love that lasts, a love that builds character in the lover and the beloved, a love that brings out the best in the lover and the beloved, a love that brings the the lover and the beloved into harmony with God — in short, it is the kind of love that makes people happy down to the depths of their souls.
