Poem: Alternate Universe

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

Dear Diary,
I got through Day One alive.
In this alternate universe
I’ll be lucky to survive.
Lots of weirdness all around;
Here’s a summary of what I’ve found.

For starters, pancakes are square
And everybody sleeps
Sitting up in a chair.
Playing cards are round,
And when people sneeze
They make a tuba sound.

Bread has no crust
And the most popular exterior car color
Is rust.
Nobody shovels snow,
And on the job barbers chew tobacco.

The national bird is the turkey,
And on Thanksgiving folks stuff themselves
With tuna fish jerky.
They don’t protect eagles,
And the most ferocious dogs
Are beagles.

The one show everybody wants to see
Is Mayberry, R.F.D.
People don’t hail but flag a cab,
And the most popular soft drink
Is Tab.

Creighton’s won six straight
March Madness titles,
And grunge bands play
Piano recitals.
Most navels go out —
Don’t even ask how births come about.

To fix my hair I’ll have to go home
Because apparently here
There ain’t no comb.

So while I figure out what to do
I’ll jump in the shower and try
Their garlic shampoo.

(Image: Wikimedia Commons)